To be in a relationship et be free
Ever since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been receiving endless words of encouragement about my current relationship status.
All the women in my family above the age of 50 (Mother, aunt, grandmother) remind me with utter kindness and empathy: « Don’t you worry my dear, you’ll find someone amazing eventually »
Me: Yup, I know! Not a single doubt in my mind.
And then when I tell everyone that I’ve decided to make space in my life for the right person, for an actual harmonious relationship, and that I’m willing to be patient and wait, no matter how long it takes…
« YES, enjoy your freedom, focus on your work, travel, go out, you’re freeeeee! »
Everyone means well, of course…
But the thing is – I want to be free AND be in a relationship as well.
I want to be able to do everything I’m doing now – travel, grow my business, shake my derriere to Beyonce songs – while being part of a relationship.
It may be too much to ask, but let’s be honest, I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am at this point in my life If I wasn’t a bit demanding! 😉
There’s loads of things I can do because I’m single – like recently spending three months in NYC, which was a long-standing dream of mine (you know what I mean, one of those things we tell ourselves to do year after year, but somehow never really materialises…
And also, to a lesser extent and for other reasons too, getting a 10 inch tattoo done on my forearm. (These are just two of many)
I mean, we can all agree that it’s entirely up to me to do those things, whether I’m in a relationship or not. But I’ve always restrained myself.
And it’s a shame.
It’s a shame that there are certain things we keep ourselves from doing or experiencing, just because we’re in a relationship.
Things we really REALLY want to do, but end up deciding against doing for one reason or another.
We tend to have a pretty outdated sense of how couples should behave. Doing things separately, doing things for yourself and not your other half…
It can be frowned on.
Which brings us to the following question – if we can’t be ourselves while in a relationship… What’s the point anyway?
In an ideal world, a relationship wouldn’t set limits to your life, or remove anything from it. Rather it would add to it. It would contribute to that already wonderful life of yours, by making it even more exciting. It would teach you new things about yourself, and encourage you to thrive and become a better person with another human being who is just as free, and just as fulfilled as you.
It’s not meant to keep you as a prisoner. It’s meant to multiply the happiness surrounding you!
So yes, it’s probably too much to ask to be in a relationship and wish to travel alone whenever it suits me…
But of course I want to be with someone who’ll encourage me to go on adventures and try new things, not someone who will sabotage my dreams. Don’t you?
Why not find a person who’s into the same things as you are – and if they aren’t, someone who gives you the space to be yourself and decide for yourself, without censoring you?
I want a relationship where I get to be completely me, even if that means occasionally wanting to do things on my own, or do things my partner wouldn’t necessarily want to do themselves. A relationship where we encourage each other to be our own person.
It’s not about being joined at the hip, day in and day out.
You know what I think about getting attached? I think it’s dangerous, and you risk losing track of who you really are.
To be together and still be free… So that both can enrich one another.
It does exist, and it is possible.
And I won’t settle for less.
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Je suis Lyvia Cairo
Écrivain, coach en relations et en sexualité, spécialisée en soin des traumas.
Et je suis là pour t'aider à te sentir beaucoup mieux dans ta vie.